Monthly Archives: July 2012

Can you Shield your Girls from the Sexual Lies of Popular Culture?

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Throughout the millennia of history, societies all over the world have protected their young women from sexual exploitation by using cultural norms, family support and strict rules.

But no more.

In today’s America, girls are left completely uncovered and vulnerable. When you look at the results, you may wonder if those ancient cultures actually had some wisdom that we have lost.

In the recently published book Girls Uncovered by Joe S. McIlhaney, Jr., MD, and Freda McKissic Bush, MD with Stan Guthrie, two OB/GYN doctors focus on the dangers of America’s sexual culture to our youth, in particular to our girls. They provide current research on the devastating physical effects of sexually transmitted infections (infertility, even death) as well as the emotional effects of early sexual activity (humiliation, depression, higher suicide rate, astounding divorce rates, etc).

Though some in the media have claimed that exposure to sexual content does not affect kids’ behavior, recent studies put that question to rest.

“Multiple studies now link heavy exposure to sexual content in mainstream media with early sex, faster progression of sexual behaviors, sexually transmitted infections, and increased unplanned pregnancies.” (Girls Uncovered, p.21)

Not only do kids get bombarded with sexual messages promoting early sexual engagement, they get false information about the safety of their sexual activity.

I honestly had no idea that many STI’s show no symptoms. Teens, thinking they are “clean” assure their partners that there is no risk, and these diseases spread like wildfire.

One of the saddest stories in the book was about a 24 year old married woman who came to the author’s clinic with infertility issues. She and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for three years. When the doctor looked inside using laparoscopy, he saw that her female organs were an “inoperable mess of scar tissue.” Before her marriage she had been a flight attendant and had had several sexual partners, though she never felt any symptoms of STI’s. Unfortunately, her case was irreversible, and very typical of what fertility doctors see all the time.

But the emotional fallout can be equally devastating. The second half of Girls Uncovered shows how our brains are wired for connection, and how sex can either “deepen our joy and sense of connectedness as relational beings or, when misused, can set us up for a lifetime of pain and failure.”

Did you know that your teen daughter’s 20-second hug with a guy can start the oxytocin (the brain chemical that promotes human bonding) flowing in her brain? She begins to trust him, though he may be completely untrustworthy.

Kids and young adults are taught by our culture that they should explore their sexuality and that as long as they use appropriate “protection” there is no harm. Girls Uncovered shows mountains of very credible research that prove the opposite.

Both the “hooking up” (casual sex) culture and pornography promote the false idea that you can separate the emotional, relational component of sex from the physical act of sex–and just have fun. Advocates of “hooking up” promote it as a way to have fun when you don’t have the time to waste on developing a monogamous relationship. Proponents of pornography see it as a way to let off sexual “steam” and again avoid the messiness of a real human relationship.

But here’s the truth: You cannot separate the emotional from the physical without long-term consequences. whether your engaging in casual sex or viewing pornography. It’s all the same lie. Our brains are wired for using sex in a trusting, loving monogamous relationship. When we use sex via pornography and masturbation or “hooking up” simply for fun, we can’t avoid the consequences of depression, disease and a decreased ability to develop and maintain a long-term relationship when we do want one.

I highly recommend Girls Uncovered for any parent who wants to understand the sexual realities of the world their kids are growing up in.

Let’s arm our kids with the truth. Let’s uncover the lies of our popular culture. Let’s protect them with good information and guidance. That way they stand a much better chance for a healthy, happy future.

Warning Kids about Porn: Do Analogies Work?

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Kids don’t think like adults. As adults, we revel in analogies, metaphors and the abstract. But kids’ brains are not fully developed enough to understand them well.

Popcorn and Apricot Trees: A Case in Point

When I was a kid, I attended Sunday School and we often sang this song:

I looked out my window and what did I see?

Popcorn popping on the apricot tree!

Spring has brought me such a nice surprise,

Popcorn popping right before my eyes!

 I can take a handful and make a treat!

A popcorn ball that will smell so sweet!

It wasn’t really so, but it seemed to me…

Popcorn popping on the apricot tree!

OK, so I’m not the brightest candle on the cake (see, I’ve learned to use metaphors!), but I honestly didn’t get that the popcorn ball was made out of blossoms until I was about 10 or 11. No one explained it to me and I just didn’t get it. To me it was about a fantasy tree that had popcorn on it.

Wisdom from an expert

So I contacted Dr. Bradley P. Cohn, Resident, Child and Family Therapist at a community mental health agency in Eugene OR, and asked him about a child’s ability to understand metaphors. He explained that it depends on the child and on the metaphors you use. “In general, people don’t start to think in the abstract with symbolic meaning until adolescence, twelve and older.”

Is that surprising?

Dr. Cohn goes on to suggest that if you do use a metaphor, keep it simple and ask lots of questions.

If you use the analogy of viewing pornography ‘like lighting a fire you can’t put out,’ you could follow up with questions like these: What happens when you light a fire, does the flame get bigger or smaller? What would happen if you didn’t have water and couldn’t blow it out?

Keeping the analogies very simple and taking time to explain them is the key.

As you teach younger children about pornography, favor the simple and direct approach. If you feel that an analogy will help, make sure it’s something the child can relate to and follow up with questions and explanations so you know they understand your meaning correctly.

Can Teaching Kids about Sexual Intimacy Help Them Avoid Pornography?

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If you look online, you can find dozens of books and websites dedicated to addiction recovery. Although my focus is prevention, it can be helpful to listen to people who are working to help others recover from pornography addiction.

One of those people is Mark Kastleman, cofounder and director of education and training for Candeo—an online coaching service for people with sexual addictions. Mark outlines three basic principles for inoculating your family against pornography.

  1. Teach sacred sexual intimacy
  2. Create and nurture true intimacy in your family relationships
  3. Recognize when your “BLHASTED” (the importance of daily self-care)

Today I’d like to talk about the first principle.

I agree with Mark that the first step is to teach your children that healthy sexuality can be a very positive part of their future lives. But we need to be careful not to communicate that sex is “dirty” or shameful. That view will never be able to compete with the alluring “if it feels good, do it” messages of our broader culture.

Instead, we can teach our children that our sexuality is a gift, built into our very nature, that can be used or misused. Used appropriately within the long-term committed relationship of marriage, it can help us build a beautiful and enduring bond with our spouse. Mark encourages parents to teach their kids that sex

 “is not something to be feared or ashamed of, but rather something to bridle and keep in reserve for the right time, place and special person—their husband or wife. Young people today need to know that sacred sexuality is worth waiting for…”

Kids can usually understand that some experiences and privileges must wait until they are more mature.They can also be taught that the sexual feelings of attraction that begin to develop around puberty are normal and natural. But again, these feelings, like other appetites, need to be controlled in order for them to help us and not hurt us.

Long before pornography became the number one business on the internet, historian Will and Ariel Durant, who wrote The Story of Civilization and The Lessons of History, uses the imagery of fire to describe the onset of sexual feelings and the importance of controlling them:

A youth boiling with hormones will wonder why he should not give full freedom to his sexual desires; and if he is unchecked by custom, morals, or laws, he may ruin his life before he matures sufficiently to understand that sex is like a river of fire that must be banked and cooled by a hundred restraints if it is not to consume in chaos both the individual and the group. (Will and Ariel Durant, The Lessons of History, Simon and Schuster, 1968, 35-36.)

Children can be taught that fire can be used to build or destroy. Fire can cook food, warm a home, and make steel for building cars, bridges and buildings.

But if not controlled it can also destroy whole cities and the people in them.

In the end, one of the best ways to pornoculate children is to teach them that love, respect and trust in a committed relationship are the only ways to enjoy “sacred sexuality.” If they understand that, they can better understand why pornography is a cheap and degrading counterfeit of human intimacy.

Sexting: A Growing Currency among Kids?

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It’s pretty clear that kids are using sex as a form of social currency to buy and sell popularity in their confused adolescent world.

Just take a look at a recent study published in the journal Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine which found that 28 per cent of high school students had sent sexually explicit messages via their cell phones. More than half of the students surveyed had been asked for a nude photo!

But it gets worse.

Good Morning America reports, “[k]ids who sexted were more likely to be having sex, and girls who sexted were more likely to participate in risky sexual behavior, including having multiple sexual partners and using drugs or alcohol before sex.”

And why do they do this?

According to Seth Meyers, a Los Angeles-based psychologist quoted in an ABC report, “This behavior shows the power of peer pressure and the drive for girls and boys to be liked, and to do what they have to do in order to keep the other person interested.”

And here’s where he hits the nail on the head:

“This behavior plants the dangerous seed of treating your body like an object and treating sexuality as a means of fair trade rather than intimacy and respect.”

It’s obvious that kids are confused, and that’s why pornoculation is so important. Inoculate your kids with knowledge and with understanding about the dangers of pornography in any form.

First, this whole message of “safe sex” is completely wrong. There is no “safe sex” outside of a committed long-term relationship. Even if teens are protected physically from STD’s, they can be emotionally devastated. And sexting–which is a form of personal porn–is no safer!

According to Dr. Eugene Beresin, a child psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and professor at Harvard Medical School, the consequences of sexting can also be legally devastating, with some kids risking violation of child pornography laws by posting nude photos of themselves, or passing on such photos of others. In some states, kids are placed on sex-offender registries for sexting.

Sexting can elicit cyber bullying and stalking, not to mention the devastating impact it can have on self-image, self-esteem and relationships with peers.

Beresin warns, “The consequences of a sexting message may be very difficult to undo.”

Let’s teach our children that their sexuality is a gift, not a currency.

Sexuality can bond them with someone they love, respect and are deeply committed to. It can bring unity, strength and happiness to their future marriage. But when used as a currency to buy popularity or the attention of others, it can be equally devastating with irrevocable consequences.