3 Habits to Keep Your Kids from Sinking in the Ocean of Porn

The Ship Only Sinks When the Ocean Gets Inside

tall ship on ocean2Water can be lovely, but it can also be deadly. Especially if your ship sinks.

One of my author friends is writing a historical novel about a ship loaded with gold that went down in a hurricane off of the U.S. Carolinas in 1857. Her great grandfather was one of the lucky survivors (most of the crew and passengers perished). It’s an amazing story and illustrates the dangers involved in ocean travel.

But here’s an important truth.

As long as a ship stays floating on the ocean, her passengers and cargo are safe. The ship only sinks when the ocean gets inside!

Our kids are like ships floating on a sea of sexualized media. As long as the inappropriate media stays outside (or is thrown outside), our kids’ brains will be safe from the lies and addicting nature of pornography.

How do kids keep the ocean of pornography from sinking their ship?

Here are three important habits to learn and practice:

1. Report the leaks.

If you see something, say something. This was the motto posted all over New York City after 9/11. The same works for pornography. Teach your kids (and remind them often) to come and tell you when they see something that they feel is pornographic. Being open enough to tell someone reduces the shame factor and pornography’s seductive power.

Jill C. Manning, PhD, author of What’s the Big Deal about Pornography?, reports that she tells her husband immediately if she is exposed to anything pornographic. Parents can model this same behavior so children will feel safe doing the same thing. (“Honey, I saw something pornographic today—it was in the app store. I have no idea why they used that cover! I’ve been working at getting the image out of my mind all day.”)

2. Seal up the cracks.

Minor holes in the hull of a ship need to be repaired before they let the ocean water burst inside. Are there cracks in your family’s media plan? Review the TV shows, music or movies you and your kids watch or listen to at home. (Or that they’ve been exposed to someone else’s home.)Family playing with Tablet computer at home

Get all hands on a deck for a Family Media Night and work as a family to seal up those cracks by reinforcing your family’s media standards. (Check out the Family Media Standards section of this blog post.)

3. When a rogue wave washes over your ship, start bailing!

Sometimes exposure to pornography hits us unexpectedly. Don’t let porn stay in your ship—use CAN DO Plan™ from our read aloud book Good Pictures Bad Pictures to bail it out.

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Specifically, distract yourself every time those images, song lyrics, or scenes come back into your brain. Divert your thoughts to something else that is positive and exciting. Or go and do something physical that requires mental effort to sustain.

Practice this over and over (like bailing out a boat!) and soon the image will fade. It works because you create a new neural pathway that leads away from that pornographic memory.

Simple habits? Yes!

But powerful when applied. Teach your kids to keep porn out of their brains just like sailors need to keep water out of their boats.

It may even be fun to make some paper boats and demonstrate how they can sink if too much water gets in. (Here’s a helpful YouTube video that shows exactly how to fold an origami ship, and here are printed instructions.)

If you know someone who would benefit from this article, please share it!

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Online Video Games: Top 10 Tips to Keep Kids Safe

What Every Parent Needs to Know about Online Video Games

Video Games Top 10 TipsMy kids love the online video game RuneScape, and they’ve played it for years. Set in a medieval fantasy realm where players can travel through various kingdoms fighting monsters, completing quests and increasing their skills. They make tools, catch fish, watch each other’s back and have fun. It’s engaging, but pretty harmless.

Online Gaming & Porn

Other Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games (MMORPG) are not so innocent. In fact, video gaming and pornography access often go hand in hand.

Jill Manning“Parents need to understand how intricately linked the gaming industry and pornography industry are. More and more games have pornography embedded in them. If kids play online, that is a pornographer’s heyday for marketing, grooming and hooking young consumers.”  Jill Manning, Ph.D. Marriage and Family Therapist, as quoted by Internet Safety 101

Let’s look at a few of the dangers and how your kids can avoid them.

Dangers

  • Predators: Kids can use a headset to talk to players from all over the world or predators from around the block. Child predators have gone hi-tech and they are looking for new victims Every. Single. Day.

“But, since predators prey where kids play, it is no surprise that online games are the new frontier for sexual predators. They use online gaming to connect with children and groom and target their next victim.” Internet Safety 101, Online Gaming Dangers

  • Violence: Grand Theft Auto allows players to gun down civilians, and then, when the police respond, players can kill them, too. Does all of this graphic violence and gore have an effect on kids? With new studies in brain science, the answer is increasingly yes!
  • Sexual content: Porn is often embedded in video games. According to Internet Safety 101, many games allow “kids to engage in virtual or simulated sex acts to accumulate more points. Some games exist for the sole purpose of simulating sex—virtual sex games are often free and easy to access for kids; they games allow kids to create an online identity to explore sexuality in any place and in any way, including group sex, bestiality, and other fetishes.”

This video from Internet Safety 101 is well worth the watch!

 

Top 10 Tips to Protect Kids

1. Set up all video game accounts. Determine who your child can talk to and who has access to your child’s gaming profile. Never give a child an Xbox or other game console and allow them to set it up. Parents should set up all controls to limit inappropriate content.

2. Teach your kids to never give away personal information online (name, address, name of school, age, telephone number or email). Safe Internet Surfing advises kids to make sure their online screen names don’t give out information either. For example, they should not use their birth year in their screen name or an abbreviation of their school (WhtBluf2004). Remember, people online can pretend to be who they are not. Be wary of anyone who asks for personal information.

3. Keep computers protected. Play online games only after you have a current and effective antivirus/antispyware firewall running.

4. Don’t download “cheats”—many contain malware and viruses. Only buy software from reputable sources.

5. When disposing of your gaming device, make sure all of your personal information has been deleted.

Young boy using laptopViolence & Sexual Content

6. Read reviews before purchasing a video game: Common Sense Media Review for Games

7. Understand the rating system. Become familiar with the Entertainment Rating Software Board ratings for video games.

8. Read A Parent’s Guide to Video Games, Parental Controls and Online Safety  It’s filled with some excellent info, including a letter from a “gaming Dad.”

9. Remember, that even if a game is rated “E” for everyone, if it has access to the Internet, your kids can encounter other people who may not be using “E” rated language. What will your kids do if they encounter someone using foul language in an online game? Or worse, see a pop-up for porn? Get them prepared with a plan!

10. Limit time so gaming doesn’t become an addiction. PlayCare Tags The Play Ladying is important for kids, but using online games to escape from problems or negative feelings can begin the process of addiction. That’s why emotional coaching is so important for kids. (I love these CARE TAGS from The Play Lady!)

Are you exhausted yet? I am!

Parents today must be much more involved and informed in order to keep their kids safe. It may seem daunting, but you CAN DO it because your kids are worth it!

Please know that you have my respect and all the encouragement I can fit in these posts!

If you know someone who could use this information, please share PornProof Kids with them!

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Pornography: Two Tips to Help Parents Talk More (Often) and Worry (Way) Less

by Claudine F. Gallacher, MA

In honor of Cyber Safety Month, make a commitment to talk to your kids about the dangers of pornography. Seriously, you can start today!

Pornography Two Tips Talk More Worry LessYou get it. You know you need to talk to your kid about the dangers of pornography.  Every week you tell yourself that “this week” you will find the time. But time keeps slipping away! It’s so easy to get distracted with the everyday tasks of raising a child.  How do you move from good intentions to actually making the time to talk to your child?

Here are two tips that have worked for me:

Tip #1: Plan it!

Make an appointment with your child and write it on your calendar. It seems easy to make dentist appointments, schedule doctor visits, and sign our kids up for after school activities. How often do we schedule parent/child check-up time? If you are the type of parent that lives by the structure of a calendar, you are likely to get to the things you plan and write down. So, pick a day and time and write “talk to Sam about pornography” on your weekly planner. Then do it!  Here are some other great tips on finding one-on-one time with your kids.

 

sunglow mom talking with son

Tip #2: Be spontaneous!

It’s okay to interrupt. Here’s the scenario: You’re doing dishes and your child is doing homework. You think of something you want to make sure she understands about how pornography affects the brain. Instead of waiting until she’s finished with her homework (or you’re finished cleaning up), you go to your daughter and say,

“I know you’re busy, but I have something I want to talk with you about that’s important, and I don’t want to forget. Would you mind taking a 10 minute break from what you’re doing so I can tell you about something I’ve learned recently?”

I’ve done this with my kids several times, and as long as I keep our discussions short, they’re willing to listen and talk to me about the dangers of pornography. I’ve done a lot of porn-proofing by interrupting my kids!

Keep it short! Make it frequent!

jeff fordNo matter which strategy you use, short, frequent discussions will help your child remember information much better than one long talk. Jeffrey J. Ford, a counselor specializing in pornography addiction, has this advice for parents:

“It is helpful to remember that our children will not learn everything at once, and we don’t need to cover everything at once either. Learning about sex and pornography is a process that takes time and requires safety in asking questions.”

In other words, the pressure for a perfect dialog at the perfect time is gone once we decide to talk with our children on a regular basis. We need to talk more and worry less about what to say and when to say it.

Bestselling author Steve Maraboli advised,

“Take action! An inch of movement will bring you closer to your goals than a mile of intention.”

Whether you schedule the time or talk spontaneously with your child or both, every discussion you have will help your child to know that the topic of pornography is not off limits and that you are a safe source of information.

And speaking of taking action…

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A Deliberate Plan to Protect Your Kids from Pornography

A Totally Doable Plan and Podcast!

Mother and the sonWhat is a deliberate mom? And how does she prepare her kids to grow up with sexual integrity in a world awash in pornography?

Is there a doable plan? Yes!

april-and-saren-croppedPower of Moms Radio

I recently had the privilege of speaking with April Perry (the lovely brunette on the right), one of the co-directors of Power of Moms, a very popular online “gathering place for mothers who want to be deliberate in this beautiful (and often chaotic) process of raising children and growing ourselves, as women.”

April is determined to be deliberate in preparing her kids to reject pornography so she invited me to join her in a Power of Moms’ Radio podcast to help mothers all over the world protect their kids.KristenAuthor3Small

In this podcast, both April and I share some great stories and tips that will help to empower your entire family. (See below: I’ve broken it down with time references so you can listen to all or just parts on your phone, computer, iTunes or Stitcher.)

At the end, I believe you’ll feel more hopeful than ever about how smart and strong young kids are when they have the right tools, information and support.

Just one favor…

If you find this information helpful, please pass it along to your friends and family! This may sound over the top, but you never know how many kids you’ll save from a lifelong addiction to pornography by sharing what you’ve learned. Thank you!

 

Power of Moms Podcast

Pornography: A Totally Doable Plan for Protecting Your Kids

Here’s how our interview is broken down:

0:27 April’s introduction: how deliberate moms can help each other to save children all over the world.

3:32 Tell us a little about your read-aloud children’s book Good Pictures Bad Pictures and why kids love it. (April shares her feelings about how comfortable the book is for parents to read to kids.)

6:14 Why do young kids need to be warned about pornography?

7:20 Tell us how the book uses brain science to defend sexual integrity.

10:28 What compelled you to write a children’s book about pornography?

17:25 How did you write a book about pornography without using the word “sex”? (And why is it important to warn kids about pornography even before they fully understand human intimacy?)

19:45 How do you define pornography for a child? What is it? And, maybe more importantly, how does it make them feel?

25:38 Why is a child’s brain more vulnerable to pornography than an adult’s brain? (Don’t miss April’s story about seeing a media violence experiment done with children—so eye-opening!)

30:47 Give us some specific ways to open a conversation about pornography with kids.

38:51 How do you teach that sex is good but porn is bad?

41:19 April’s story that highlights how using porn can cause sexual dysfunction in males. (Yes, it’s called PIED!)

43:55 Tell us some specific tips for dealing with technology (filters, family rules) to keep kids safe online.

53:32 What parting advice can you share to help moms empower their kids to reject pornography?

April and I ended this podcast on a very positive and encouraging note:  Kids are smart and they love to be empowered!

Porn-Proofing as a Project

April gave very helpful advice at the end to think about your porn-proofing efforts as a project. (What a great idea!) She’s got some great tools for helping moms with projects, too!

Please share PornProof Kids with your friends and family!

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Crime Expert Reveals 7 Tech Tips Every Parent Should Know

Two boys watching smartphone photos

 

LaVarr McBride is a professor of Criminology at Penn State and recently spoke at the Northwest Coalition for Healthy Intimacy’s annual conference in Portland, Oregon. I was there and took copious notes to share with you! (You also may order the DVD of the entire conference here. Highly recommended!)

Here are seven tips he shared to help your kids stay safe online.

Social Media & Tech Tips for Parents

  • Tip 1: Know every friend on your child’s social media accounts. Did you know that 30% of Facebook profiles are FAKE ID’s—many of whom are pedophiles or sex offenders trying to contact your children? Make sure you and your child knows each friend in the physical world and never friend anyone you don’t know.
  • Tip 2: Teach your child not to disclose private information because nothing is really private on social media, despite “privacy” settings. According to McBride, Facebook users disclose way too my information about themselves. Don’t post your telephone number, address, name of school, or any information a predator could use to gain access to your child.
  • Tip 3: Disable the GPS location setting on mobile devices. Now this gets creepy. Watch the video below and see how easy it is to use social media and geo-tagging to stalk people in a public place. McBride told a story about a predator whose victim had posted on social media that she would meet her friends at a certain movie theater at a certain time that evening. He was able to assault her because he arrived before her friends. McBride warned that predators are smart and use technology to find and assault victims.

Jack Vale’s Social Media Experiment

 

  • Tip 4: No devices in bedrooms at night. Kids often find it difficult to turn off their connection to friends and social networks. Make it a rule to charge all devices by your bedside at night.
  • iStock_000037398698SmallTip 5: Help your kids find a healthy amount of social media interaction. McBride advises parents not to “yank” technology away from kids, but to work with them and help them develop healthy habits. Texting can become addictive. In fact, an average of 2272 texts are sent per user each month! That’s over 75 texts per day. And it’s causing failing grades, sleep deprivation and even repetitive stress injuries in kids.
  • Tip 6: Warn kids about sexting or engaging in revenge porn. I know—your child would never do this. But 1 out of 5 kids are sexting, and they can be charged with child porn. Just warn them with this story McBride told about an 18 year old young man whose girlfriend broke up with him. To get revenge, a buddy of his suggested that he Photoshop her face onto a pornographic image and send it to a few of their friends. Unfortunately, he made the mistake of texting it to all 475 people on his phone list including her, his parents, his teachers, and his religious leaders. He was arrested and taken to federal court for distributing child pornography (his ex-girlfriend was under the age of 18) and then sent to prison for four years. True story.
  • Tip 7: No personal email accounts—all kids should use a family account so that parents can monitor correspondence.  Search for “safe email for kids” and you’ll find several options. If you want your kids to have their own email account, make sure you set it up and keep the password so you can regularly monitor messages.(This can nip a lot of peer problems in the bud!)

iStock mom and daughter reading

 

And here’s my two cents about giving mobile devices to your kids: don’t! If you want them to have access to an iPad, tablet or smartphone, buy them for the family and lend them out to your kids on your terms. You approve all apps, you have the account info, and you oversee their use of the Internet. There’s a big psychological difference between a child “owning” a mobile device and “borrowing” it from you.

I hope this has been helpful! It’s a scary world out there, but it only gets safer for kids when we as parents face it head on with good information.

What have you done to help your kids use social media and technology in appropriate, healthy ways? Share your two cents!

Please share PornProof Kids with your friends and family!

LIKE us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter @PornProofKids. Thank you!

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Will Talking about Porn Today Save Your Child’s Marriage Tomorrow?

Save Marriage

Another One Bites the Dust

I just heard about another divorce caused by pornography addiction. A few years ago when I read the statistic that 56% of all divorces name pornography addiction as a major factor, I was blown away. But now I wonder if that percentage is even higher!

This tragedy was similar to so many others. The ex-husband was exposed as a young child and never overcame his addiction to Internet pornography. (I know women also suffer with this addiction, but I haven’t personally heard of a divorce due to a woman’s addiction.)

Student working on taskI do know people who have overcome this addiction, but it takes a deep level of commitment, constant study, work and acceptance that life will never be “normal.” Giving up porn may mean the addict can never own a smartphone or other mobile device. They may need to shield themselves from most movies and TV shows and avoid shopping at the mall. Their spouse may always need to keep the password to their computer. I can see how humiliating it could be, and I’m grateful to know that some are willing to do whatever it takes to save their marriage.

I also know of people who lost everything dear to them (marriage, family relationships with their kids, even careers) and took the addiction with them to their grave.

How does pornography affect marriage?

Dr. Jill Manning lists 21 negative effects of porn in her book What’s the Big Deal About Pornography? Here are ten that can negatively affect marriage:

  1. Increased risk of developing unhealthy views about sexuality
  2. Increased risk of getting involved in sexual behavior that is risky, unhealthy or illegal (hiring prostitutes, for example)
  3. Increased risk of experiencing difficulties in intimate relationships
  4. Increased risk of becoming violent or aggressive
  5. Increased risk of becoming sexually abusive toward others
  6. Decreased trust in your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse
  7. Increased risk of believing long-term relationships are not even realistic
  8. Increased risk of believing there is nothing wrong with being sexually active with someone you have no emotional involvement with or commitment to
  9. Increased risk of becoming sexually dissatisfied with your future spouse
  10. Increased risk of cheating on your spouse once you’re married

Saving Future Marriages

Last year, before we published Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids, I was at a writer’s retreat in the beautiful Northwest and met author Ramona Zabriskie, who had just published an excellent book on marriage. As I told her about my work in pornography addiction prevention she literally got goose bumps and with wide eyes said,

“I am trying to save today’s marriages, but YOU are going to save tomorrow’s marriages!”

Of course, I’m not going to save them. Porn-proof kids are going to be better prepared to save their own marriages. Since then we’ve collaborated on a very informative webinar hosted by Ramona (which you should all listen to–we cover prevention strategies and also hear from a young woman who has worked with her husband in overcoming his addiction to porn which began at the age of five).

Porn-Proof = Better Marriage

0167I fervently believe that porn-proof kids have a much better chance at succeeding in their future marriages than those who bring a third partner–their pornography addiction–into their relationship.

I am feeling quite passionate about this today! Please don’t let your kids face this danger alone because you fear you’re taking away their innocence. They are already targeted in the cross-hairs of the porn industry! They need a defense strategy in place before they get hit.

The Good News

You can empower your children! Kids can learn to defend themselves against porn if they are educated.

young boy thinkingOne more radical opinion. I do not believe that children have the full ability to choose until they have been taught the consequences of their choices. A curious child that is caught off guard by pornography without knowing how or why to turn away does not really have a free and clear choice to reject it. And more often than you realize, their innocence will be stolen from them because they didn’t know any better.

OK, I’m done for today. But if you hear a scream coming all the way through the Internet, it’s me finding out that one more marriage has been destroyed by pornography.

Do you want to contribute to future healthy marriages? Please share PornProof Kids with your friends and family! We’d also love you to LIKE us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter @PornProofKids. Thank you!

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Can Soft-Core Porn Damage Your Child’s Brain?

can soft core
Is a child’s brain affected or even altered by the “soft-core” sexualized images that are all around us? And if so, what are the long-term effects of porn exposure for that child and for our society at large? Could it be that we’re in the midst of a public health crisis?

That’s what Dr. Jenny Brown, a dentist in Bountiful, Utah and busy mom to young boys, wanted to find out.

Jenny Brown with son

After years of research (much of it done late at night after her kids were in bed), Dr. Brown has carefully pieced together a body of research* (see below for a link to her paper) documenting this alarming conclusion:

Exposure to soft-core porn negatively affects a child’s developing brain.

On a recent trip to Utah, I was able to talk with her about her research, which she is currently preparing to submit for publication in the journal of Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology.

Sobering Conclusions

Here are a few of Dr. Brown’s findings:

  • Children exposed to sexual images experience “neurological stress” —their brains are simply not mature enough to handle the “neurochemical blitz” brought on by exposure to soft-core porn.
  • The part of their brain called the basal ganglia (we call it the feeling brain) which is involved with more reflexive, instinctive, and impulsive behavior is made stronger as a child is exposed to more and more sexualized images.
  • As the feeling brain gains strength and efficiency, the pre-frontal cortex (or thinking braindecreases in response to viewing sexually explicit images. Not good because the thinking brain is the part of the brain that “overrides immediate gratification and augments self-control.” (Learn more about your two brains here.)
  • Continued exposure to pornography “causes the viewer to become more impulsive and less able to critically think” (among other problems).

Dr. Brown wants her work to help legislatures pass laws to protect kids from what she and many other experts feel is a public health crisis brought on by pornography.

But in the meantime, what can you do to protect your kids?

Your Plan of Action

happy kid with magnifying glass

Begin by looking at your world through your child’s eyes. Ask yourself:

  • Where does my child get exposed to sexualized media? Make a list of offenders. (Grocery store magazines, catalogs, TV, movies, malls, billboards, online ads, etc.)
  • What can I do to limit the amount of sexualized media my child is exposed to? (One of the grocery stores I used to shop at had “Family Friendly” checkout lines that didn’t have risqué mags displayed—you can ask your local store to provide the same option. I know this is just a drop in the bucket, but it’s a start!)
  • How can I help my child understand that sexualized media is inappropriate? (Explain the lack of privacy, dignity, respect for our bodies which they portray.)

Just like we “child-proof” our homes to keep little children out of danger, we can work to “porn-proof” our environments to protect the developing minds of our kids.

What have you tried? Please share your ideas by leaving a comment–working together we can better protect our kids.

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*Read Dr. Brown’s entire draft of The Physiological Effects of Innocent Exposure to Soft-core Pornography on the Developing Brain. (Dr. Brown gave us permission to share it on PornProofKids.)

 

Do you have friends or family who could use some help porn-proofing their kids?

Let them know about Porn-Proof Kids!

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